LeRoy: Unofficial non-endorsements

Bret Belden

From the Left
By Brendan LeRoy

The reason the American political system has worked so well for the United States lies in the fact that our constitution was written for the 18th century agricultural country of 3.9 million people, much like our country remains today. This sacred piece of parchment is the antagonist for the mass excitement ahead of every election, and the 2014 midterms are no exception. Americans are given two options, which are entirely sufficient to encompass all of America’s unique and diverse beliefs. That’s why people like me and the other two percent of Americans are very satisfied with this country’s political system, according to a Washington Post poll. The American political system is so popular that it rivals the desire to contract Ebola.

The underdog this year is the Republican Party. In the last four years, their shining achievement has been in convincing Americans that universal health care will destroy the foundation of civilization. Republicans had been trying to pass health care reform for decades and they found an ally in President Obama. However, by this time, Republicans had revised their position and came up with a stunning new policy: nothing. Republicans in the House of Representatives tried to implement nothing 33 times, failing with each try. This goes by the age old saying: “If at first you don’t succeed, try 32 more times.” Eventually Republicans made peace with the law by supporting all of the clauses they failed to make unpopular. Even Rush Limbaugh was so generous as to coin the law “Obamacare” in recognition of the president’s compassion for the American people.

Since the catastrophic Ebola outbreak in Dallas, a city on the verge of societal collapse, Republicans are relaying highly scientific worst-case scenarios to the public. Now that 0.00000008 percent of the world has contracted Ebola, Republicans have single-handedly assumed the responsibility to inform us of our impending doom. Thank your Republican congressmen for protecting us from this terrible disease and ignoring less pressing issues like the 104,000 who are wounded or perish from gun crime every year.

Undoubtedly my favorite Republican this year is New Hampshire gubernatorial candidate Walt Havenstein. Despite no one really knowing where Havenstein has lived for the last 15 years, he is not letting that stop him from pouring $1.4 million of his personal wealth into the race to buy the governor’s office. Regardless of being ranked the second best place to live, Havenstein has tried to warn New Hampshire that our state is on a path to imminent disaster. Havenstein promises to ensure New Hampshire’s safety by reducing our unemployment rate to 0.9 percent, lower than any other current rate on Earth. Unbelievably, this stunning accomplishment will require only one action. He will lower our oppressive, job killing business taxes cited from a Tax Foundation webpage that praises New Hampshire for having the eighth best business climate in America. Havenstein does state that these tax cuts are “estimated to cost $49.2 million … but can be made up for by the natural growth in revenue.” This complicated terminology simply explains that the hole will be filled with magic.

The list of all the marvelous works Barack Obama, the greatest president in the history of the United States, has accomplished is endless. His first achievement was eliminating pay inequality for women through the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. In 2009, women made a pitiful 77 cents to a dollar a man made, but now inequality has vanished as women make 78 cents to the dollar, making the law a brilliant success.

The shining triumph of the Obama Administration is the implementation of the Affordable Care Act. This law has made healthcare 0.5 percent more affordable and has led to the universal health care coverage of 13.4 percent still lacking insurance. At every stump speech Democrats proudly take credit for the law’s protection of contraception coverage for females, which already had been mandated via Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

Despite being adamant against the Bush Administration on foreign policy, Democrats had a change of heart once President Obama was inaugurated. Democrats have deemed the fourth and fifth Amendments a handicap on the American public and helped alleviate us from the burden of privacy and fair trials. Democrats were delighted to invade four more countries and track our every move to protect our freedom and liberty. If only Bush had expanded the war and continued the destruction of the Bill of Rights, maybe he, too, could have won a Nobel Peace Prize.

If the Democrats’ dislike for money in politics has you down, do not fear, they are only joking. So far in this election, Democrats have raised $595 million to the Republicans’ $462 million. Democrats even bow to the Citizens United decision which has funded the Party with $210 million in additional unrestricted money.

One of my only criticisms of the Democrats was in Gov. Hassan’s decision to freeze tuition costs for public colleges. Thanks to UNH’s six percent funding from the state, UNH achieved the status of the third most expensive public college in America. When UNH was only $168 from the top, Gov. Hassan has killed our dream of achieving first place.

I can understand if these decisions between such extraordinary options are overwhelming, but there is a solution. Follow the wise words of six-term Republican State Rep. Steve Vaillancourt and vote for a candidate like “Marilinda Garcia [who] is one of the most attractive women on the political scene” but “not so drop dead gorgeous as to intimidate …” rather than her opponent who “looks more like a drag queen than most men in drag.” Yes, the American way is to simply vote for the most sexually appealing candidate. At last, American democracy has evolved beyond demanding professional candidacies into its ultimate form of petty nonsense and pure political theater.

Our sacred piece of parchment has finally brought the world a civilization of unfathomable greatness. It is no wonder that two percent of Americans could not imagine a more utopian political system. ​

Brendan LeRoy is a junior majoring in linguistics.