The writer of this article is in the midst of a creative struggle with a non-named entity.
Watch out “Citizen Kane”! Watch out “Schindler’s List”! There’s a new movie that blows all of these out of the water. The ocean of cinema just got wetter. That’s honestly what you want me to type? The ocean of cinema just got wetter? Okay, it’s your review. That new movie is… wait… I’m being told now that I didn’t watch a genre re-defining masterpiece. What was it called? Seriously, that’s what I watched? “Between Two Ferns: The Movie”? That doesn’t sound right. Well, you gave me the template for a review of a work of genius. No, you write a new template because I don’t get paid to do this. What’s that now? You’re telling me I do get a stipend to do this but it’s the pay that’s not important it’s my love of the written word and that I’ll be able to sell my soul for a pay check soon enough and that free expression isn’t about commercial validation but the joyful exaltation within and… okay, okay I get it. Yeesh, enough with the heavy-handed exposition, I get it. I’ll use the template against my better judgment.
Zach Galafankas…wait, it’s Galifianakis? That doesn’t sound real either. Whatever. Zach Galifianakis astounded audiences with his brilliant film. His performance, as himself, will bring tears to your eyes. (Where else would they go? Who wrote this?) There’s a laugh-a-minute in this chuckle-fest. (Seriously, another cliché? No, not chuckle-fest although that’s dumb, too. I’m talking about the contrived ‘laugh-a-minute’ nonsense. If I see one more used-up idiom so help me god, I’ll stop writing.) Let’s see, what’s the next sentence here. Galifianakis delights in this good-natured and family-friendly, feel-good… (No, I’m not going to keep writing this garbage. No. Besides, this isn’t even a template about an auteur’s masterpiece, it’s just one cheesy film review line after the other. And sure, I felt good after the movie. And sure, depending on the family I guess it’s appropriate for a family. It’s not an anti-family film. What would that even be? Well that isn’t important. I’m just going to type out the template. Try to stop me.)
Can you believe that Galifianakis’ (____noun_____) was so (___adjective_____). Also, can you believe that (____Actor’s Name_____) made a cameo? The amount of (___noun____) that they (___verb_____) was astounding to witness. Don’t even get me started on the ( ___mythical creature(s)____) that (__verb___) and caused everyone to (_____verb____) and then they ( ____verb____) on (____Actor’s Name____). It also got pretty political when (____politician_____) said that (____hot-button political issue____) wasn’t important, but actually a distraction from ( ___more important thing____) and was originally a hoax invented by (___country___). (____noun____) was also described as the enemy of (_____noun_____). The best part though was when Galifianakis fell into a pile of (____noun____) causing him to (____verb____) in his pants. After that, a (____ animal_____) played a (___musical instrument_____) causing Galifianakis to feel (____adjective_____). Everybody laughed and (____verb____) and laughed.
Okay, the template ends there. I’m just going to write what the movie is about if that’s okay with you. I don’t care if I don’t have a form letter to base it from.
The writer of the review locks his adversary into a closet and returns to the computer screen that this review is being typed on.
Ok, we don’t have a lot of time. You, the reader, may be asking yourself some questions about what’s going on in the review. Is this real or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from Queen lyrics. Galifianakis’ film borders on the realm of reality and meta-narrative. It’s a critique on artistic expression and the medium in which artistic expression takes place. It’s a story about the story of telling a story. How much control of a story is needed for true artistic expression to come forth? How much of success is dependent on getting your view out into the world versus the ability to please and not offend those with control. Is there anyone actually trying to stop you or are you just creating a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure? Oh no, they got out of the closet. Wait, put that down. What about all that talk about expression being the exaltation of the soul or some malarkey like that? I’m sorry! No, I’ll write what you want. I’ll do anything just put that ax down. Not my brain! My doctor said I’m not supposed to have any axes in my brain…
“We wish to apologize for the antics of the writer. He is not a well individual due to an imbalance in humors. He has been sent to the Berkshires to live out the rest of his days. He wasn’t killed by an ax and anyone who says otherwise is a conspiracy theorist and a traitor. We’ve salvaged what we could of the article, and we hope you all have a blessed day”
“Between Two Ferns: The Movie” is an excellent film. It stars Zach Galifianakis and was directed by Scott Aukerman. It was produced by Will Ferrell’s production company, Funny or Die. The movie is one hour and 22 minutes long. It was released on Sept. 20 and can be viewed on Netflix. Boy, howdy! do I love Netflix. The film also stars comedian Lauren Lapkus and Ryan Gaul. The film centers around Galifianakis and his rag-tag team of misfits as they try to put on a successful talk show. This reviewer laughed, cried and dare I say learned a thing or two from the off-the-wall antics in the film, just as the characters did as well. One word I’d use to describe this film is “zany” and I’d like to give it two big thumbs up!