Tim’s Final Farewell

By Tim Drugan-Eppich

Long-winded reminiscence and sappy goodbyes make me nauseous.  So instead of reflecting excessively and thanking everyone from my parents to John Goodman, here’s a story.

I do my best to keep up with my dental health, but it isn’t something I am so confident about that I would invite an attractive woman to stare into my mouth for an extended period of time.  However, life is a fickle thing.

A few weeks ago I went for a teeth cleaning.  When I walked into the office there was a face I hadn’t seen before -a new hygienist, who was a striking young woman.  I heard my name called, jolting me from a short daydream.  This young woman was calling my name.  It took me a second to realize she was going to clean my teeth.  A sexy woman cleaning my teeth?! Hallelujah, but, oh boy,  please let my breath be bearable.  Did I have garlic and onion with dinner last night?  Uh oh.

Normally when I am trying to impress an attractive young woman, I avoid making her spend more than a few minutes staring up my nose.  If I want her to look up my nostrils, I try to keep it to a tight five.  But in this situation, that couldn’t be helped.  So I did my best to be charming and to avoid generating boogers as she poked around my molars and told me I’m bad at flossing.  She even made my gums bleed a little.  Sounds like the beginning of a fairytale, right?

I don’t want to pat myself on the back; ah, yes I do.  I was on my game that day.  Making pithy quips about her accent (British), talking about my big plans for traveling and comedy, and even asking her about her dreams.  And listening to her answers!  Can I get some appreciation, ladies?  I stopped running my mouth so she could run hers.  Prince Charming over here.  I also stopped so she could actually clean my teeth, which was proving difficult since every time she started to scrape at some plaque, I decided to start a conversation. 

Turns out she was really cool, and she had that accent.  Needless to say, I was smitten, and it must have been obvious with all that I was doing to try to impress her.  I was probably being a moron, but in my head, I was a dog.  Actually, yes, I am a dog.  Tim Drugan-Eppich, causing ladies to swoon since, uh, maybe a few weeks ago?

The dentist came in to do a final checkup. (A very attractive man I might add, who I also did my best to flirt with.  Kidding, about the flirting.  But not about his attractiveness, he is a good looking dude.)  And while I was disappointed my time with this wonderful woman was coming to a close, I realized that this wasn’t so bad.  I have always hated going to the dentist, and yet here I was, in a situation where the most attractive woman I had seen in at least a month had been forced to make small talk with me. And perhaps she had enjoyed it. Like I said, I think I was on my game.  Anyone for a high five?  All I know is that where I usually go to the dentist once a year, they can now expect me back every month.

You want a life lesson from that?  You can’t just appreciate a story about me charming a lovely lady?  Alright, here you are.  Go into new experiences and situations with an open mind.  Because sometimes the things we dread the most, give us the most pleasure.  Like leaving college for the real world, or a colonoscopy.

Tim Drugan-Eppich graduates in December.