It was on November 29, 2018 where Executive Editor Bret Belden, News Editor Benjamin Strawbridge and I competed in a chow-down competition of a lifetime, a true smokehouse lover’s dream: a Holloway Commons London broil eating contest. It was I who came out victorious at the end of the greasy affair, and I would later retain my heavyset belt in a brisket-eating competition against our magnificent arts editor Caleb Nathan Jagoda later on in the year (nice try, squirt).
However, it’s a new year and the Holloway Commons carnivorous delicacies are plentiful as usual. On this particular Wednesday evening, David Hill and the gang rolled out a classic reminiscent of Grandma’s house – a hearty pot roast. It was Sports Editor Sam “The Eggman” Eggert, the egger on of all nincompoop-requiring activities, who suggested this blast to the past- another meat-eating contest.
Ah, the nostalgia.
In one corner, we had returning Benjamin in his timeless pink polo shirt on a mission like no other. He gave off shades of Muhammad Ali, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee as he attacked his roast slabs bit by bit. His competitor for the (not so) pay-per-view event was sophomore sports editor Josh Morrill, a fresh-faced sophomore out of Barre, Vermont with the heart of the MGM lion. All our editorial team could do was nervously gather around the table in which they squared off, staring each other down into their meaty souls, knowing that they’d both be a trouser size larger by the night’s end.
The rules? Three slabs of meat each, one gulp of water beforehand, and a race to the very last chew between the two. The meat was dry, but the banter? Talk about an all-time high.
Behold: Two meat-sweaty conquistadors, two bloated bellies, two men sparring in a windowless room leading to one grizzled champion, and the best 14 quotes from Wednesday’s main event. Grab the napkins, the Tums and cue the music!
- “I’ll do what I want with my slab!”- Ben
- “I’m going for smaller nibbles.”- Josh
- “Did you moisturize your mouth beforehand?”- Ben
- “At least I care about not choking!”- Ben
- “My jaw is getting a good pump right now.”- Josh
- “I have a pea; that helps.”- Ben
- “What’s your last name?” – also Ben
- “You’re terrible at distracting.”- Josh
- “I’m just frustrated that you’re more of an expert in eating pot roast than me.”- Ben
- “Please help me.” – Ben
- “You guys are beefin’ now.”- Bret
- “Oh God you look awful.” – Sam
- “This isn’t even the real blowout, that happens an hour from now.”- Bret
- (Heavy sigh)- Ben