Lil Wayne has made numerous claims that he’s not a human being. And I believe him.
He’s said it in interviews, he’s named entire albums after it (“I Am Not A Human Being” twice) and he’s boasted being a Martian, goon and goblin. I’m not sure what he is exactly, but between his small stature, abundance of tattoos and impressive (yet sometimes concerning) wordplay, I can’t argue with him.
With the release of his highly anticipated twelfth studio album, “Tha Carter V,” Lil Wayne showed that, despite his deteriorating claim to being one of hip-hop’s greats, he still has it. While the album is far too long and has its fair share of throwaways, it features some of his best rapping this decade. The years of anticipation for “Tha Carter V” were worth it.
While that’s all good and dandy, the album left me with one huge, lingering question: how would Lil Wayne fare in the real world with a nine to five job? I mean it’s his twelfth studio album, he’s been a rapper for longer than I’ve been alive. With the release of this last album, I wondered how Wayne would react if he was forced to completely abandon being a rapper and had to enter the workforce.
Lil Wayne is clearly hard-working, as he’s released nearly 40 projects in total over the course of his long career, a truly mind-boggling number. Not to mention he’s a very intelligent individual who crafts insanely-detailed rhyme schemes and savvy interview answers. Yet, as he’s stated on numerous occasions, he is, in fact, not a human being. He’s also liable to say some wild things, as he’s rapped some of the most vulgar and weird rap lyrics in history, which would definitely hurt him in an office-type setting.
The only (and most fun) way to figure out how Lil Wayne would do with a normal person job is to run him through three different job interview scenarios where all of his answers come from either lyrics or real-life interviews he’s done. It’s the most logical (and again, the most fun)way to see how Weezy F Baby would manage as an average Joe.
Interview 1: Plumber
Plumbing Company Boss: Go ahead, have a seat, sir. What’s your name?
Lil Wayne: Man, I’m the sh*t, and y’all janitors.
Plumbing Company Boss: No, no, we’re not janitors, we’re actually plumbers. I’m going to ask again, what’s your name, sir?
Lil Wayne: Weezy F Baby and the F is for a lot of sh*t.
Plumbing Company Boss: Well that’s perfect, Mr. F Baby, because at this job you’re going to be dealing with a whole lot of that. Do you have any experience with plumbing?
Lil Wayne: I’ve got a big house; long hallways; I got 10 bathrooms, I can sh*t all day.
Plumbing Company Boss: Okay, that doesn’t necessarily count as formal experience, but I suppose you’ve dealt with a good amount of plumbing issues by having 10 toilets. What skills did you utilize to fix those plumbing issues? Was it a big mess, or was it handled fairly easily?
Lil Wayne: That sh*t was so good, it don’t even smell bad.
Plumbing Company Boss: I guess I’m glad you don’t really mind the smell… Since you want to talk about feces so much, will you mind handling it on the job? Unfortunately, accidents happen while fixing toilets, and you may get unlucky a couple of times. Is that going to be okay?
Lil Wayne: Uh, ain’t it crazy how sh*t be? That’s why I flush it.
Plumbing Company Boss: The whole point of this job is that the customer can’t flush it so they call us… Jesus, okay, well do you at least have time to show us some of your skills in-person? This formal interview doesn’t seem to be suiting your style exactly.
Lil Wayne: My stomach hurt, and my sh*t is droppin’ real soon… Not enough time, I’m a cool cat but I’m on life nine.
Plumbing Company Boss: Alright, Mr. Baby, here’s a wrench, there’s a broken toilet behind me, just show me what you can do and stop talking in rhymes.
Lil Wayne: Dear Mr. Toilet, I’m the sh*t.
Interview 2: Chef
Head Chef: Hello, you must be Mr. Lil Wayne, have a seat. Do you just go by Wayne?
Lil Wayne: I’m Weezy F and the F is for flame, I eat these rappers, chef of the game.
Head Chef: I don’t think we’re going to need you to eat any leftover food wrappers but I like your enthusiasm! Would you describe your experience in the kitchen for me, Mr. Flame?
Lil Wayne: I got that A1 credit, that filet mignon.
Head Chef: I’m glad you have good credit, but that’s not exactly answering my question… what kind of food do you specialize in? Breakfast, lunch, dinner?
Lil Wayne: She wake up, eat this d***, call that breakfast in bed, $69.96.
Head Chef: Wow, you charge a lot for breakfast, and you’ve even run a bed and breakfast! I like where this is going. You’ve been speaking a little bit softly and it’s tough to hear you, would you mind speaking up for me?
Lil Wayne: Real G’s move in silence like lasagna.
Head Chef: Okay, Mr. Flame, that’s respectable, carry on then. Do you normally use organic ingredients while you cook? I saw you stuff down a McDonald’s burger in the car before this interview and I was a little concerned.
Lil Wayne: But I’m trying to eat healthier, so I ate a veggie.
Head Chef: It was a veggie burger! Oh, good, I was worried. Do you mind if I call over another chef to ask you a couple questions?
Lil Wayne: What’s your man doin’? I’ll pop his motherf****** top like a canned good.
Head Chef: Okay, okay, I won’t call him over –Mr. Flame, is that a cigar? You can’t be smoking during the interview.
Lil Wayne: I’m lighting up a Stogie, it’s longer than a hoagie.
Head Chef: Jesus that thing really is longer than a hoagie; I’m going to ask you to have to put it out, though, Mr. Flame. Also, what’s in that white cup of yours? That’s very unprofessional of you to be drinking something suspiciously purple during an interview.
Lil Wayne: Why in the hell should I stop drinking whatever it is in my cup? I think people need to mind their own business. I don’t care if it was heroin in my cup. It’s in my cup. F***you.
Interview 3: Oceanographer
Oceanographer: Hello sir, it’s nice to meet you. It says here your name is Dwayne Carter, but I’ve heard you go by Wayne. Which would you prefer?
Lil Wayne: It’s Weezy F Baby and the F is for phenomenal.
Oceanographer: I’m glad this isn’t a journalism job you’re interviewing for… Regardless, I’m so sorry we have to do conduct this interview over the phone. I just couldn’t fly into New Orleans on such short notice. How are —
Lil Wayne: I’m in the crib butt naked.
Oceanographer: Wow… I guess I’m glad we’re doing this over the phone then. Anyways, how would you describe your experience studying the ocean? Any experiences stand out to you as extremely formative during your aquatic career?
Lil Wayne: I’m in the ocean getting shark p****.
Lil Wayne: …
Oceanographer: Thank you, Mr. Phenomenal Baby, we’ll be in touch.